Letting Go
This post could be about a number of topics: death and dying, relationships, etc. It's not.
When you're a parent, you take on the biggest job in the world. If you're a stay-at-home parent, you deserve a Purple Heart and whatever other commendation this planet has to offer. Especially if your kids are 5 or under.
As we parents all know, as your children get older, they trade in one set of problems and issues for another set. And each of these problems and issues is different and sometimes more complicated than the last set. Which is where this post comes in. With each set of new problems, let go of the last ones. Face the new ones and realize you're probably not prepared for them. And then realize that you'll learn to deal with them as best you can until a new, and different, set come along.
The core point I'm making is this: the selfish parent (ahh, back to this theme) not only has a hard time letting go of past problems, they resent their kids and the new issues when they arise. Sometimes this manifests itself as your internal opinion that you've got a "bad" kid, or that your younger daughter "never does what our son used to do." If you feel the hackles on your neck standing up or if you're mad while reading this, you're probably one selfish parent. Now, there are bad kids, yes. Some of them need counseling or medication because they're just messed up and we don't want them to turn into serial killers or animal abusers or anything else. That's natural. And we, as parents, need to recognize if this is the issue we're facing without selfishly hiding behind the belief that "Johnny's just different." That sort of denial is just as selfish.
Let me give you some examples.
When your child wakes up in the middle of the night crying for you or just crying for any reason whatsoever do you a) wake right up and head to their room awake and concerned about your child's well being? b) wake up and hope your spouse will take care of it? or c) Wake up and head down to the room pissed off because you're tired and with little patience for whatever the "issue" seems to be?
If you answered b) or c) you're a selfish parent. Now, that's not all bad in itself. You need to have your own time. But if you look at this type of situation as an infringement on your time more than 50% of the time, you need to seriously reconsider your priorities. Or, find "me" time during the day or evening or 2 hours on the weekend. Something.
Here's another example: While eating dinner with the whole family your 5-year-old son, who loves to immerse himself in television when he has the chance to watch it, absentmindedly and accidentally spills his cup of Mandarin oranges from his Mickey D's Happy Meal on his lap. He cries. Do you a) get up wordlessly, get a wet washcloth, clean up the mess and remind him that he needs to pay more attention or the TV needs to be off while he eats b) Turn to him and say, "See? That's what you get for not paying attention." or c) Angrily get up because your meal is interrupted, turn off the TV, which increases the screaming, get a washcloth, and say, "No more TV. You can't eat and pay enough attention."
If you picked b) or c) you're obviously a selfish parent. Here's the rub: If the TV is on and you're all not watching a program together while eating (and I'm not going to debate the family time issue here), then you might be glad your children are leaving you alone. That's just not the way to parent.
What's the answer to these and other questions of parental life? I don't know. But I can tell you this: I am one selfish son of a gun.
Remember this from one who knows and is working to make things better: Your child isn't doing any of these things purposefully or to you personally. (That comes later I think. The teen years?) Let go of the feelings of anger or interruption. If you're telling your spouse you can't get enough done around the house because of the kids, you're not trying hard enough. Because if your kids under the age of 5 need you, you need to be with them. But, never at the expense of getting necessary things done. Your kids can cry when you need to get things done. Sometimes dinner just has to be made, or the laundry has to be folded and put away, or the carpet needs to be vacuumed. But you don't need to check your email or watch Oprah or talk to your friends on the phone for 30 minutes while the kids are home.
Pick your battles. I can't stand military analogies, but this one is working for me right now: Raising children is a war. Pick your battles. You might lose a few battles, but overall it's up to us to win the war. Your children will thank you for it. And you'll be a happier, and less selfish, parent.
When you're a parent, you take on the biggest job in the world. If you're a stay-at-home parent, you deserve a Purple Heart and whatever other commendation this planet has to offer. Especially if your kids are 5 or under.
As we parents all know, as your children get older, they trade in one set of problems and issues for another set. And each of these problems and issues is different and sometimes more complicated than the last set. Which is where this post comes in. With each set of new problems, let go of the last ones. Face the new ones and realize you're probably not prepared for them. And then realize that you'll learn to deal with them as best you can until a new, and different, set come along.
The core point I'm making is this: the selfish parent (ahh, back to this theme) not only has a hard time letting go of past problems, they resent their kids and the new issues when they arise. Sometimes this manifests itself as your internal opinion that you've got a "bad" kid, or that your younger daughter "never does what our son used to do." If you feel the hackles on your neck standing up or if you're mad while reading this, you're probably one selfish parent. Now, there are bad kids, yes. Some of them need counseling or medication because they're just messed up and we don't want them to turn into serial killers or animal abusers or anything else. That's natural. And we, as parents, need to recognize if this is the issue we're facing without selfishly hiding behind the belief that "Johnny's just different." That sort of denial is just as selfish.
Let me give you some examples.
When your child wakes up in the middle of the night crying for you or just crying for any reason whatsoever do you a) wake right up and head to their room awake and concerned about your child's well being? b) wake up and hope your spouse will take care of it? or c) Wake up and head down to the room pissed off because you're tired and with little patience for whatever the "issue" seems to be?
If you answered b) or c) you're a selfish parent. Now, that's not all bad in itself. You need to have your own time. But if you look at this type of situation as an infringement on your time more than 50% of the time, you need to seriously reconsider your priorities. Or, find "me" time during the day or evening or 2 hours on the weekend. Something.
Here's another example: While eating dinner with the whole family your 5-year-old son, who loves to immerse himself in television when he has the chance to watch it, absentmindedly and accidentally spills his cup of Mandarin oranges from his Mickey D's Happy Meal on his lap. He cries. Do you a) get up wordlessly, get a wet washcloth, clean up the mess and remind him that he needs to pay more attention or the TV needs to be off while he eats b) Turn to him and say, "See? That's what you get for not paying attention." or c) Angrily get up because your meal is interrupted, turn off the TV, which increases the screaming, get a washcloth, and say, "No more TV. You can't eat and pay enough attention."
If you picked b) or c) you're obviously a selfish parent. Here's the rub: If the TV is on and you're all not watching a program together while eating (and I'm not going to debate the family time issue here), then you might be glad your children are leaving you alone. That's just not the way to parent.
What's the answer to these and other questions of parental life? I don't know. But I can tell you this: I am one selfish son of a gun.
Remember this from one who knows and is working to make things better: Your child isn't doing any of these things purposefully or to you personally. (That comes later I think. The teen years?) Let go of the feelings of anger or interruption. If you're telling your spouse you can't get enough done around the house because of the kids, you're not trying hard enough. Because if your kids under the age of 5 need you, you need to be with them. But, never at the expense of getting necessary things done. Your kids can cry when you need to get things done. Sometimes dinner just has to be made, or the laundry has to be folded and put away, or the carpet needs to be vacuumed. But you don't need to check your email or watch Oprah or talk to your friends on the phone for 30 minutes while the kids are home.
Pick your battles. I can't stand military analogies, but this one is working for me right now: Raising children is a war. Pick your battles. You might lose a few battles, but overall it's up to us to win the war. Your children will thank you for it. And you'll be a happier, and less selfish, parent.
posted by Toronto McKee at 7:01 AM
1 comments
